fatspicblog

To stay in bed while everybody goes to work it feels something quite good. It does make you feel special and excited. There are reasons while that happens and that is in my case because I am an actor and when I work everybody else is normally enjoying their free time.
It is not only the actor profession, waiters, policemen, etc, there are many professions like that.
This time I stay in bed because I have the flu. Yes, I have the flu.
It is something normal and something that happens to me every year or around this time when the weather should be cold but it is not cold when the weather should be wet but it is not wet and when the weather is hot when it should be cold, I mean the autumn.
Yes, it does look really good, it is full of pretty pictures of nature but it is really boring to experience in your body.
Perhaps that best feeling that there is, is the moment when you feel a light cold in your skin for the first time after the summer. You may be sitting down normally enjoying the end of the summer. You have gone out and you are out drinking beer and talking to your friends and suddenly the hair of your skin gets erected. You tremble and instinctively you pass your hand over the skin in your arms. That give a small comfort, it is all it needs. Psychologically speaking something deep has changed, our animal body is ready to face the winter and your body is starting the slow process of heating up.
Perhaps when I was a young man I will have a much more exciting experience of these moments mainly because I will spend most of my time on the streets. That moment was the moment to start to go out with a jacket not just to be cool but to be warm.
I tried to go to beach, better say I tried to get into the water this morning but as I arrived the sea was quite big and I could feel the breeze getting colder and colder and that was stronger than my desire of going out. Even with my flu and with the fact that I am not going to close to sea for quite a while. The beach was beautiful and the sun was shinning, the waves were beautiful but too big and my body was tired of fighting the flu.
Now I have flu and the winter is coming.

there are big waves on the beach today. This is a bad constructed sentence. . . it fells to me that I should have written Today there are big waves on the beach. I am not sure what is the right way of writing something like that.
I have spent so many years in the English country an I am not sure how to say such a simple sentence and the worst thing is that is very likely that I have written it badly.
In any case my point of the day is as dramatic that now when there are big waves in the beach I can not be out on the sea for a long time because I get super tired. It is as if I go into the washing machine and I tried to swim from one side of it to the other.
That is not a bad image.
So I have been out there for forty five minutes. In a way forty five minutes is nothing. It is not time at all. It is true that is forty and five minutes but nothing closer to an hour. I am sure that if you out there are a little bit anal you will be thinking that forty five minutes is closer to an hour than half an hour but I do not care.
There was a time that forty five minutes was not time for me. In forty five minutes I could not do anything. It was never enough time, it was just the warm up for many things and now forty five minutes it is everything. Forty five minutes in my beach surfing with waves that are one meter high it is the entire day for me.
I am here in my house now and I can not really move at all. My body is hurting and not just my body, my whole body is hurting, mainly because I am old and it is not nice to fell old thou it is nice to be old. For instance I am pretty sure I would not like to go back to the time when I could surf for forty five minutes because I was not able to surf anything, my quality was terrible.
So I have a slow day ahead of me to try to be useful and good. Just wish me luck.

A group of people had arrived together in one car, all the way from NY Justin, Chris, Zach. They jumped from the car and they got ready for what ever was next. Then little by little, Lara, Ben, Peter, Martha, Trixi had arrived the first one and was walking around checking the place to make it her own.
Jeremy, came in her rented car from the airport, Derek and Janet arrived together only because they are together in an emotional way . . . now how that can be important for the dynamic of the group.
Rene is here and Fritz comes from a plays very close by and believe it or not Norway. Do not think of that Norway as the one in the North of Europe but they one here in South Paris Maine.
And here we are and this group is as unique as any other group we, I have worked together with. Now I will have to find its uniqueness and sensibility. They will let themselves to be lead but if there are too many mistakes they will protest and will be disappointed.
And I can fell that they are all very experience in the verses that we will deal with in here. Seasoned performers who come to taste the waters and thoughts of Spymnokey, a company that have been around for a while. They know we will be tough a difficult and that we will not give bull shit when things are not going well.
When things go not well we will say they are bad when things go well then we will say that things are good.
In a guarded place like the Barn there are not many places to scape and we will suffer from that. Because you would like to go somewhere sometime to scape the horrible pleasure that flop inflicts in someone guts. It will hurt inside so it will seem as if the outside is where the answer is.
You will not find anything there ‘cos everything is inside in the little garden of your gut, rained with wine and nice delights. It suffers because our ego has been tested and beaten like the alive creature that it is.
It will not be only the gut of each one of the creatures but of the gut of the group, the sum of all the individuals who made the group, each and everyone of them together and without loosing any of their individuality and independence.

What a group of people!!!!!! I can not believe it
First days are always shit because it is always a little bit awkward and you want everything to go well but you can not make that happen. You can not guaranty that everything is going to go well. ?You have to play the workshop to the best of your abilities and try to listen to what happens because I believe that will inform you of what do you have to do the next day.
I laughed quite a lot for the first day. I know already some of the people in the workshop and I can see that it could be a very good workshop.
There is a big thing with the expectations of the people that is coming to take the workshop. And then my expectations all crushing at the same time the first day of the workshop.
And arguably you could say the same ting about any first day, the first date, a first day at the job, the first day at the beach, the first day out there from the womb of your mother . . . there is nervousness, there is lots of anticipation, there is lots of self inspection, there is lots of self doubt, lots of self doubt, if anything this is the fuel that moves anything.
So if we take in consideration that everybody is felling exactly like that and that the sum of all those anxieties is a big cocktail difficult to deal with we have the felling of the first day of any workshop.
And here is not going to be different.

I have arrived one day early.
Last night there was not one at the airport to received me. I thought someone was going to come to pick me up but . . . they forgot I was coming. This may be an omen and this workshop is not going to be very good.
In any case, I called, I tried to contact Mandy, I called Europe, nothing so I decided to take a taxi thou I knew it was going to quite expensive, there is an hour drive from the airport to the Barn.
When we arrived there in the taxi we could not find the Barn. Everything was really dark and we could not find the building. I had only be once before here two years ago and some places looked familiar but not when every things if pitch black so . . . finally we found it.
Before that the taxi driver almost put the car into a ditch and I thought I was going to have to push the car out of it after almost 24 hour of traveling.
And today the students would be coming in the evening and we will have dinner together and we will get to know each others . . . I know some of them, Zach was in NY and he is coming here.
So I am spending the day here at the Barn in a leisure manner. Amanda is going to take me to lunch to Norway.
Yes, to Norway and I do not mean she is going to take me all the way to Norway the country but to Norway a little town close to the barn. Yes, all the towns around here have names like that. ?The barn is in a place called South Paris, Norway is the next village, there is Mexico, and many other places around here. It does make me laugh.
the village of Norway is really nice. It has a huge lake where you can swim and the houses look like the kind of houses that are in Guillmore Girls the TV show. I am sure that all of you out there that know the show would think that I have said something outrageous because the show is set in the west coast but I do not care.
Amanda is great. She is really nice and she treats me really well what creates a little bit the felling that I am abusing of her generosity.
So Sunday at the Barn is going to be great.

As I go through the pieces that I have been writing her the last few years I realized that I repeat myself a lot.
I read the tittles and there are many who said going back, leaving, gong, coming back etc and this is another one like that because today I have left my house. After three weeks I am again on the road. After getting used to sleep next the lovely body of wife I go to sleep again alone in another bed.
I am taking many planes and traveling many miles to a place that I like and I know I am going to have a very good time but you would have thought that by now I will be use to leave and I would not fell this deep sadness that is overtaken my whole being.
How? Why? What can I do?
And I know the answer to all of those questions . . . they are rhetorical questions. They are the rhetorical questions of the paradox of life and the impossibility of permanent happiness. You can not be happy if you are not sad because then you would not be able to identified happiness, you would not be able to recognized it.
You need to compare the felling of sadness with the one of happiness to know that that is the one you like.
And . . . yes, the answer is time, time, time in twenty four hours I would have met a new group of people and I will be preoccupied in playing with them and in finding their clowns, my favorite thing in the world and then I will not have the slightest trace of this sadness that has imprissioned me while I fly.
And perhaps I do not need to try to avoid it, perhaps I should try to learn to enjoy this sadness . . . it means I have feelings for what I am leaving behind, but I can not because I have never been very good at sad.
So I will take my plane in Frankfurt and then I will take my other plane in NY and then when I am in Portland I may be happy.
Time would have passed for sure and by then I will be far away from this and you do not fell very much for things that are far away, but Miren is far away and I fell for her? This is impossible.

Lucy and Ivan are here. I know Lucy now for so many years and we have had so many adventures together that I many times give her friendship for granted and that is not fair. ?Her and Ivan have come to spend some time with us while they go on holidays to Asturias and then to Malaga where Ivan has some family.
It is great.
I told them we were going to do a surfing workshop and we have started today.
I hooked them up with my teacher from last year, Ibon, a friend of Jone and Miren and Andrea. We had such a good time the first time that I was sure that Lucy and Ivan where going to enjoy very much meeting him and we were going to have an amazing time surfing the little waves of the summer in La Salvage.
And it was so funny, we had such a great time, the three of us in our surfboards trying to catch waves and falling miserably in the water and being thorough down from our surfboards.
I saw Ivan standing up in the board many times. He was the best of us because . . . I do not know why . . . I wanted to thin that is because he is a dance but that has nothing to do with it really. ?For Lucy it was a little bit harder and it took her a little bit of time and help from Ibon until she went and stood up on the surfboard. The entire beach heard her scream of happiness when she did it.
We laughed so much, so so much. It is so nice to have holidays with friends. And after felling a little bit a foreign in my own town having some friends from my other life gave em a great bust.
We are going surfing again tomorrow and another day and after that I will have to go to Maine to do a workshop. This was very good fun thou.

It is not easy for me to be back at home after spending a long time away during the year. I love my house, I love where I live and I love Miren but I fell like an outsider. ?I know I chose to do this I chose to live like this and you can not have everything. When you say yes to something you say no to other things.?Perhaps is because I fell jealous of the other that surround me here. My favorite thing to do here is to go before lunch for a glass of wine in the local bars. It is basic tradition. It is like to go for an appetizer, to open your appetite.
I like to do that with friends but when I am here normally all my friends are working and I am the only one with enough time to go and get a little bit piss in the early afternoon.
So I go out by myself. I put my sunglasses. I get a hat because it is still sunny, it is not a very sunny summer over here but it is sunny enough and I take off.
It is not very long walk from my house to one of my locals and when I go for my early afternoon glass of wine I try to take as much time as possible. ?I like to fell the warm and enjoy the anticipation.
When I arrived to the bar I like to talk a little bit with the bar tender and ask him for a nice glass of wine. Many times during the week I may be the only person at the bar and that means I talk a little bit longer but if there is more people then I grab the paper and I read it or I just go through the leave of paper looking at the pictures.
I seep my wine little by little and by the time I am done I am ready to go home. I get like a little high . . . it is not really high but I run out of words to describe how it makes me fell. . . my body is heavy but is light at the same time and I cruised as slowly as I went in the direction to my house to cook lunch.

When I was young this was by far my favorite moment in the year. Every summer for almost a week my entire village, it really is a neighborhood would be a party and me and my friend we will party wild.
The sense of no boundary, the sense that during to four to five I could do anything because I was in a party felt grate. I felt free and I had lots of fun.
Every year would be the same. The first day would be like a Wednesday or Tuesday and by then we will have been for five days preparing the festival, funny costumes, a kind of chariot where we will be able to carry many liters of alcohol. We will drink kalimocho, a mixture between wine and coca cola that would give us very good times and very bad times.
So after five days of preparation the moment of the firework that would be sign for the beginning of the festivals was a glorious moment of happiness. This would be followed by many activities during the entire week that would end with a pretend funeral of Sardine that would mean that next year would happen again.
My favorite thing would be the funny costumes that we would dedicate lots of time and work and imagination to.
Funnily enough I believe it helped me a lot with my work because we will find a theme for a costume and then every one will go and will come back with what ever they understood meant that theme. That created incredible comic moments, well, that and the alcohol. Probably this memories are a little bit disturbed by the amount of beer that we drunk during the entire time that the festival were on.
So today the festivals start one more time. I do not fell like that any more because now I have lived more time of my life away from this place than in this place. I fell a little bit foreign. I do not dress up apart from my basc costume and I do not get very drunk either. Miren has lots of fun still so I go out with her and we have a good time but it is not the same.
My favorite time this days is in the mornings and playing games for adults like “La Rana” but I will talk about that in another time.

the face I see int he screen of my ipad where I am writing this words is a incredible horrible face. I have grown a bear and it is making me look really old. I had underneath my eyes, some big bags where you can see the veins of a one too many late night drinks. The eyes fall little almonds that have been hanging from the tree far too long. As if someone forgot to pick them up. It is not a pretty face.
I has never been a pretty face. Perhaps when I was a kid there were some traces of prettiness but very early on all beauty disappear because I got into being old too early. I was the oldest looking boy of my friends and still I am the oldest looking boy of my friends.
I try not look at my face but moving my eyeballs from the letters to the screen and back make the entire thing a little bit discomforting.
Letting my bear grow it is not a bad decision specially taking in consideration that the summer damage your skin. But there are two pools of white bear on the sides of my chin. Some people said it makes me look respectable but it really what it does is making me look old.